There is a list, quite an extensive one as a matter of fact, of things one should not do in the theater. This is not just limited to the cinema itself, but includes the lobby, popcorn counter, ticket booth, and even the parking lot. My job of writing this post is to pass on the gems of wisdom so that others will not ruin the movie watching experience for others and themselves. We will begin when one plans to see a movie.
PLANNING TO SEE A MOVIE
Sometimes we just have to go out and see a movie, either because we have been waiting so long for one to come out and the midnight premiere is a necessity vital for our future existence, or because we’ve been in the house too long and seeing a movie is the only alternative to going 80s style shopping at Walmart.
When one plans to see a movie, be careful; movie theater internet sites may be confusing and lead you to give those people you are trying to coordinate with wrong information. While this may not directly endanger your life, it can come very close. Here are a couple rules to follow when planning:
- Problem: Many theaters share the same name. Solution:Be sure you are looking at one located where you are, not in Poughkeepsie. (unless of course you happen to live in Poughkeepsie, than ignore this step)
- Problem: If you are wanting to see a movie on a later date than the day you are looking at the schedule BE WARNED. Every time you refresh the page it will jump back to the current date with the stealthiness of a ninja leaving you completely unaware of the change. (This is very stressful if you are looking at, say, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Pt. 2 a couple of days after it came out and you are trying to plan a get together with your friends for the following Sunday but every time you change tabs and the page refreshes it jumps back to the current date and it says that the only available showings are after 10:00 p.m. which is a very impossible time to see said movie with said friends, but you are completely unaware that the only reason it says that is because you happen to be looking at it on the current date after 10:00 p.m., not on the Sunday you want, so OF COURSE THE TICKETS ARE ALL SOLD OUT.) Solution: Watch the date like you would a Weeping Angel. Don’t blink. Blink and it changes. It is fast. Faster than you can believe. Don’t turn your back. Don’t look away. And don’t blink. Good Luck.
You have decided to see a movie. You have decided which movie you will see. You have decided what time you will go see that movie. Something comes up. You loose track of time, you can’t find your keys, you get carried off by a horde of angry chipmunks, and you are running late. After madly dashing to the car, cursing every stop light you hit, attempting to legally speed, and contemplating the legal ramifications of giving that little old lady driving 20 under the speed limit a “friendly shove,” you arrive at the theater just two minutes before the movie starts. You sprint to the ticket booth and get stuck behind someone who doesn’t remember which movie they were supposed to be buying tickets for so they stand there trying to remember and muttering to themselves about all the bad things drinking Diet Coke does to your memory.
Solution: Don’t drink Diet Coke.
LOBBY AND POPCORN COUNTER
If you are really lucky, you have reached this part without mishap. You walk in through the one way doors and you smell it, the aroma of buttered popcorn as it pops out of the magical, glowing kettle. You are drawn to the popcorn like a moth to a porch light. It hypnotizes you. You must have that popcorn. But when you order that bucket and see how large it is, you realize that that popcorn, with its buttery, salty, maybe even cheesy goodness, will effectively suck out all of the moisture in your body. You look around and see what you believe to be the solution, a gallon sized plastic cup full of Diet Coke, complete with bendy straw. It looks ideal.
Problem: Half an hour through the movie you have to go to the bathroom or you will die. The culprit: That half drunk gallon of Diet Coke.
Solution: Don’t drink Diet Coke.
If you have reached this point without experiencing any of the above mistakes, you deserve a medal. However, the amount of things that shouldn’t happen in the cinema itself is quite extensive, so do not let down your guard.
Problem 1: Elementary school kids sitting at the top of the cinema begin emptying their bags of popcorn onto your head the moment you walk.
Solution: Hold your own bucket of popcorn over your head to transfigure that artificial butter covered arsenal of grenades into a free refill.
Problem 2: The theater is not very full and the number of seats overwhelms you. Which one should you take?
Problem 3: The theater is nearly full and there is only a handful of options. The question still remains.
Problem 4: You have found a good seat and don’t want anyone sitting next to you. How would you prevent this?
The solutions to problems 2 through 4 are summed up very well here:
During the movie is perhaps the easiest place to make a mishap. Follow these simple rules for the optimum movie watching experience for those around you.
Circumstance 1: Justin Bieber begins “singing.”
Reaction: Refrain from throwing your bucket of popcorn at the screen. You will miss it when he stops.
Circumstance 2: You are watching The Woman in Black. The main character appears on screen.
Reaction: Refrain from screaming, “Merlin’s beard, it’s Harry Potter!”
Note: These two circumstances are perhaps the most difficult to keep from making mistakes. If experiencing difficulty, consider duct tape.
THE PARKING LOT
You are walking to the theater to go see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Pt. 2. A group of teenagers walk out, clutching Diet Cokes and half empty buckets of popcorn.
Girl 1 says to Girl 2: “OMG, that was so sad. I, like, messed up my mascara crying so much.”
Girl 2 to Girl 1: “Like totally! It was super depressing when Harry died.”
Solution: Don’t drink Diet Coke
You’re welcome, Olan Rogers, for all the free advertising.